Sad couple sitting back-to-back on a ground. Argument and breakup concept.
By Mikaela Pannell
Undesired childlessness is a burden more and more couples are having to shoulder. With the Church (rightly) encouraging marriages to bring kids into the world when possible, couples who are unable to have children often find themselves lost and unsure of their place in the Body of Christ.
Father Tony Klein, the vocations advocate for the Diocese of Sioux Falls, chaplain for Bishop O’Gorman High School, and sacramental minister at the Cathedral of Saint Joseph, acknowledges that infertility is a difficult, and often heartbreaking, situation for couples to navigate. “It’s such a cross,” he observes.
As with any cross, it can be a source of great suffering. However, suffering is an invitation to be led into greater intimacy with God, and in the case of infertility, it is also an opportunity to achieve greater closeness between spouses.
Fruitful charity
Embracing the cross is difficult, but difficult things can lead into holiness for those willing to lean into it. Infertility “is a real suffering, and to not avoid the reality of that suffering, while also saying, in the cross we find our hope, and so to also not be led to despair that my life is meaningless or that our marriage is meaningless,” Father Klein assures couples, because a marriage without children is still incredibly meaningful.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) validates this, saying “spouses to whom God has not granted children can nevertheless have a conjugal life full of meaning, in both human and Christian terms. Their marriage can radiate a fruitfulness of charity, of hospitality, and of sacrifice” (1654). It also states that “spouses who still suffer from infertility after exhausting legitimate medical procedures should unite themselves to the Lord’s Cross, the source of all spiritual fecundity” (CCC 2379). Even in a marriage that is childless, there is still so much fruit to bear.
The marital union between husband and wife is the true beginning of a family, a fact which is often overlooked. Family life, whether children are in the picture or not, is always a source of great meaning. It is also meant to be a source of goodness, and Father Klein points out that couples who get married after childbearing age are a good reminder to everyone that “the Church still sees this goodness” in childless marriages.
Father Klein says a Mexican woman by the name of Maria Luisa Josefa, also known as Mother Luisita, is an incredible example of using her undesired childlessness as a way to grow closer to the Lord and to her spouse. She and her husband, a doctor, wanted children but were unable to conceive, so together they founded a hospital to serve the poor, dedicating their lives to this calling. They chose to see the people they served as their children.
When her husband passed away, she joined a Carmelite religious order. She continued to work in the hospital setting, also founding an orphanage and a school. She brought her order to Los Angeles in the late 1920s, due to religious persecution in Mexico, and they are still a thriving organization today. In fact, multiple women from the Diocese of Sioux Falls (including Father Klein’s cousin) are part of her order in California. Mother Luisita is currently venerable, well on her way toward being canonized a saint.
Spiritual parenthood
It is important to remember that there are two main points, or ends, to marriage: unitive and procreative. “Both are essential ends of marriage.” Father Tony says. In regard to the unitive aspect, “marriage really ought to bring these two together and help them to become more of who they are, more of who God has made them to be.”
The unifying of the spouses can easily be overlooked when there is emphasis put on having children. The procreative end of marriage actually can flow forth from the unitive end. As Father Klein points out, “The family life can kind of be an image for us of the Trinity, that this knowledge and love of the other actually produces life. And that can be in a child, but also in the production of life that comes from knowing that I am loved and loving in return.”
The procreative aspect of marriage is most obviously seen in the form of biological children, but to say it’s the only way of attaining it is putting God in a box. When it comes to older couples who have raised children who are now grown, Father Tony says they still have life to give.
“We wouldn’t say that their role in the Church or their marriage is done with,” he says. “There’s still this important role of being able to generate life for those around them.”
Oftentimes, this is in the form of prayer for others, but also in the way of being role models. “Spiritual motherhood, spiritual fatherhood … it’s very real. It’s very apparent in priests and religious, but the prayers of the elderly can be really powerful because of their wisdom and the faith that they’ve endured through life with.”
That sort of life giving can impact generations with their example. Father Klein shares how growing up, he saw various elderly people in his parish, and their witness of faithfulness was influential in his life. He also recalled seeing how his uncle cared for his aunt throughout her health difficulties, which was a powerful example to him as well. Their examples of spiritual parenthood are now impacting generations.
Carrying the cross
The true first calling of a spouse is to their spouse, not to anyone else. This is a fact that Father Klein points out when doing marriage preparation with couples. “You are making vows to your spouse,” he said, “and you’re making vows to your spouse before God.” In challenging times, it is important to remember that.
In times of trial, he reminds couples to return to those marital vows, those of promising love and fidelity in all times, not just the good ones.
“Because it’s a sacrament, he [God] infuses grace to do things that we often can’t do on our own,” Father Klein said. “It can be a hard thing for us to keep that focus, but if we really believe in the grace of the sacrament, if we’re open to it, he really can keep that focus of ‘we’re doing what we can; we can’t control things outside of our control, but I can continue to learn how to bear this cross and to love my spouse, and to support my spouse, too, in bearing this cross, to be able to unite ourselves in bearing this cross together.’”
The ultimate goal of marriage is for the spouses to get each other to heaven, and carrying our crosses and following the Lord together is the way to get there.
A place to belong
Just because a couple doesn’t have children doesn’t mean that they are unable to live out a parental role elsewhere. “Because the needs of children are obviously very apparent, and they do take a lot of time and energy,” Father Klein says, “I have seen couples who don’t have children have this freedom or this ability to really give their lives in a much more manifested way to the parish life, to volunteer for things, and to even in some ways see what they’re doing at the parish, whether it be with kids or adults or even behind the scenes things, to see that as a real ministry as a mother or father who helps provide for this family that is the parish.”
This might look like being a small group leader for a youth group or a religious education teacher. That parental role may also be found in volunteering regularly at the local food pantry, soup kitchen or crisis pregnancy center, or going on mission trips with the parish. Couples who suffer from infertility may also be called to fostering or adopting children in need of a loving family.
One thing to remember is that we don’t know anyone’s entire story; only God does. Father Klein cautions everyone to refrain from judging people in the pews around us. Society encourages contraception, but that doesn’t mean the childless couple sitting in front of you is contracepting.
“I think it’s really important that we always remember we don’t know people’s lives,” he says. “Most of us don’t know most people’s experiences, and so for us to always have an understanding that everyone, in this topic but in every topic of life, everyone has crosses that we don’t see, everyone has burdens that we don’t fully understand. And so just to remember that, and to know that our judgment might be one of the biggest crosses that someone’s bearing.”
Ultimately, God knows all of our stories, and the fruitfulness of each marriage pursuing heaven, childless or not.
Mikaela Pannell is a freelance writer and a parishioner at St. Therese Parish in Sioux Falls, where she serves as a lector. She is married with two young children.
