By Mikaela Pannell
Catholic marriage vows are universal and go something like this: “I promise to be faithful to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love you and to honor you all the days of my life.” Most couples probably aren’t thinking of all the potential bad times ahead of them on their wedding day, but trials will come anyway. How are spouses supposed to get through those challenging periods and come out with their marriage intact at the end?
Christian and Natasha Karels know what it’s like to live out those vows. They have been married for six years and have four living children: Gavin, Grant, Sienna and Maurina.
2022 was a year of ups and downs for their family. The Karels had two young sons at that time, and they were ready to continue growing their family. They were heartbroken when they lost a child through miscarriage early on in their pregnancy, but they still felt that God was calling them to try again.
“We had to pray through that, too, and kind of discern,” Natasha says. A month later, they found out that they were again expecting. Much to their surprise, the ultrasound revealed they were expecting twins!
The term “rainbow baby” is used to refer to a child born after a loss. When the Karels were driving home from their ultrasound appointment that revealed they were having twins, Christian saw a rainbow. Once he pointed it out to Natasha, she noticed that it was a double rainbow. For her, seeing the rainbow in the sky that day felt like “it was God giving us this sense of hope and even peace with that, trusting that he had a plan.”
The pregnancy was considered to be “high-risk,” requiring appointments and ultrasounds multiple times per week for a portion of the twins’ gestation. This meant lots of trips from Milbank to Sioux Falls. But rather than continually looking at the burden of extra expense and time spent away from home, Christian and Natasha chose to see this as time to reorder themselves. They were able to form the habit of praying the Rosary together more and embraced the drive to just be in each other’s presence as a couple.
Navigating together
In the Karels’ view, this challenging year actually made their marriage stronger. “It did get us to pray together more often than we would have before,” Natasha reflects. “Having to talk through our feelings and emotions and all of it … and supporting each other that way. It forced us to communicate and forced us to be together in all of it, too.”
While of course every person processes situations uniquely, being married requires also working through things together. Communication is key. When experiencing challenging situations, one spouse may prefer talking it out, while the other may prefer journaling or pondering in silence. Each couple will need to figure out how to best support each other within the context of their marriage. Being sensitive to your spouse’s needs is a key component to getting through difficult times together.
Natasha observes that marriage and having kids pushes a person to become more selfless. Christian agrees. “Being more selfless is definitely also true.”
This is a part of the “mature love” that Pope St. John Paul II writes about in Love and Responsibility. In his book “Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love: Practical Insights from John Paul II’s Love and Responsibility,” Dr. Edward Sri explains that the mature love John Paul II talks about takes time to cultivate and involves being focused on your commitment to your spouse and their well-being, not on the feelings they give you or what you get out of the relationship. It is what a healthy, holy marriage is meant to be, one that will stay standing in the midst of trials and beyond.
As always, Christ is walking alongside us in the good times and the bad, loving us perfectly and providing us a model on how best to love our spouse, as John Paul II highlights.
Spirit of surrender
Throughout their journey of the miscarriage, to their twins being born and beyond, the Karels embraced a spirit of surrender to God’s plan for their family and strengthened their practice of discernment.
“God’s gonna do what he’s gonna do,” Christian says.
For Natasha, she observes that in their desire to grow their family, “it was more just this discerning, where we’re talking about what does God want?” She explains that they were “trying to find the balance between reason and faith. Trying to use both; trying to be prudent in our decision.”
While choosing whether to add children to a family is a major point of trust and discernment within a marriage, Christian and Natasha point out the many places surrendering to God can permeate into everyday life. That may be in the area of finances, job concerns, health issues and whatever comes in the times ahead.
As for the Karels, that spirit of surrender has carried on in their lives, helping them to turn to prayer more immediately than in times past and trusting and being at peace with whatever God will bring them through in the future.
On Feb. 23, 2023, rainbow babies Sienna and Maurina were born. They were in the NICU for 17 days, but have been happy, healthy little girls ever since. Providentially, this happened to be the due date of the baby the Karels lost.
Reflecting on their journey, there is reason for hope, as Natasha says, “I think even in marriage there are gonna be times where maybe hope isn’t like this shining rainbow, and instead it seems dark, and you have to just let go and know that when we get married, it’s the two of us and God, you know, it’s not just us. So even when there are those dark times where it’s hard to see hope, you have to remember and know that God is there, and maybe those are the times you just need to let go and let him lead you back to the light.”